day 81: still havent gotten over her, my feelings for her are just as strong as they day she left me, her life went downhill afterwards and here i am, actually making it for once, i dont know what to think anymore. im pretty sure she lift me up high enough for me to keep going when i was on the brink of losing my shit, and it cost her everything. and now i have to live with the fact she's suffering because of me. i never should have gotten close, i told myself i needed to give myself time to heal, and now i'll probably never heal again. i dont deserve to heal. i have been slowly drowning over the past few years and i clawed desperately to everything and everyone for help and nobody took me seriously, and now i am a lifeless husk just trying to make it in life because i have nothing else to do, all passion sucked out of me. idk it's so weird, im so confused all the time. dont know what to say and when i do know what to say i dont know how to say it. expressing myself is hard, and i cant even redeem myself because of what i've done in the past. the world is oblivious to what im going through and even if they knew, nobody would care. i am completely and utterly alone, and it will stay that way for a long time. im sorry... i just needed to get that off my chest.